My Brain Hurts

Today was a good day. It wasn't perfect, and it wasn't nearly as good as I was expecting, but it was okay. I finished reading Transmetropolitan (which was quite good), and basically just sat around and thought. Walking around in the aftermath of the rain is always amusing; the world looked new. I should have brought my camera with me, to take pictures of the plants, but I didn't. Life is full of those little regrets.

My head always hurts, now. I forgot how to use doorknobs for a second. I remembered quickly, though, and the door in the bathroom is pretty horrible. Walking into it would probably make it open. My brain has issues, to put it bluntly. Retrieving most memories or knowledge takes at least 30 seconds, if I'm not thinking of or considering it. I'm good at making up plausible stuff, though, and sometimes it's even true, so I don't think that most people notice.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply getting the backwash from someone else's mind, if somewhere out there there's someone who can do anything and feel perfectly fine (I do nothing, and feel horrible). If I ever find that person, I would kill them in the most painful way imaginable, except then I'd probably have to deal with my body rotting away.

As it is, I just have to blame lack of sleep, and a systematic program of messing around with my body, just not caring about all of the things I should be doing to keep it functioning. It still works, but not all the time, and I honestly can't see any benefits. Sure, having hair which forms little helices is rather fun, but is it worth feeling sick almost every morning and having trouble eating until I've been awake for at least an hour?

The two are probably completely unrelated. Spiraling hair is the only benefit I can think of.

Except my mind, perhaps: when it works it works very, very well. When it doesn't (which seems to include any time someone says that I'm intelligent) I get easily distractable, forget basic math, feel like falling over, or completely detach from conversation.

In general, when I say that I feel like falling over, I probably won't, unless I'm very tired. When I do fall over, chances are that it was arranged in a way so that I would not be hurt, especially if I feel off a chair. It is perfectly safe, and preferable, to ignore the event, and carry on conversation as if nothing had happened.

To clarify: I do not fall over because I want your attention. I fall over because I feel like it, and because floors are often more comfortable than chairs.

The third previous sentence is to be ignored if I verbally indicate that I am injured, or am bleeding or unconscious. In such a situation, it is appropriate to ask if I require assistance, or to inform me that I am injured if I have not noticed. If am am unconscious, it is recommended that you consult a doctor, but do not move me, as that can lead to complications of a minor issue. Pouring water on my face is acceptable, but only if slapping me thrice has failed to wake me.

I have laid out these rules because very few people seem to understand them, especially the bit about ignoring me falling over, and the bit about what to do

As I said, probably, I am extremely tired. I am also not entirely sure if this is reality, a dream, hallucination, or something else entirely. It would be appreciated if arguments as to the validity of those viewpoints is presented.

Acceptable arguments for this being a dream:

• Clear application of dream logic to a situation, such as travel, actions, or architecture.
• Transforming into something else, for no apparent reason (this is only considered valid in support of dream logic).

Acceptable arguments for hallucination:

• Turning into spiders, or other insects, and attacking me.
• Turning into something nightmarish, and attacking me, while vomiting drugs or politicians.
• Presenting me with a supply of used drugs, and evidence that they were used on me (for example, needle tracks, or partially dissolved capsules in my stomach).

Acceptable arguments for something else entirely:

• Anything involving quantum mechanics.
• Anything involving Schroedinger.
• Anything involving the collapse of the false vacuum.
• Anything involving effecting reality with math.

Acceptable arguments for reality:

• None.

I hope that that has cleared the issue up slightly. Arguments may be sent to my email address, to me via facebook, told in person (as is required for some of them, although some are actually strengthened by being applied over some other communications medium), through smoke signals, telepathy, miraculous formation of wildflowers on my limbs or wall, or divine revelation.

Questions about the King of Walrus, and how to render tribute to him, may be directed by any of the stated methods, and by courier. Requests for diplomatic status should be sent to the Walrus Consulate, which you may locate in any reputable directory of psychologists.

Refusal to read this line constitutes a legally binding agreement to throw a paperback book at my head.

If you have failed to read the above line, please contact me. If you have succeeded in doing so, but refuse to do so again on principle, it still applies to you. Contact me in person at any suitable time, and I will provide the necessary devices.

This is your standard supply of hand-selected Markov Fragments:

It feels like a furry chicken, tail wrapped neatly around its front paws.
He began to throw all propriety aside? How undignified!
Explanations will be essential for combat and shouldn’t try to kick the can down.
T`ien Tan also collected 20,000 ounces of silver.

That's all.
Wake me when there's something interesting to say.
Actually, don't.